Crumbs In The Butter #3 - Ballerinas with Studs

Hmmm, should I actually be writing this? This topic gets me so irate it may be best for my future health if I just stopped now. However, that's why I created this blog- to blow some steam amongst other things, so here goes. Modern footballers/ soccer players. JESUS! They make my blood steam! It seems that in the last 20 years, football has slowly been dying. Gone is the passion and loyalty to fans and in is the Buggati's and Lamboghini's. Then there's their attitude. It's so annoying when you've looked forward to and  planned the week around Saturday afternoon only to turn up, freeze your chosen genitalia off, and trod through the same puddles on the way home wondering what in the hell makes you get up and watch that shower of sh*te every week.

Okay, obviously not all footballers represent this 'modern footballer' image but those who do are no doubt ruining the whole spirit of the game. Every week I sit in stupidly cold temperatures after spending another £4/500  on a season ticket, which I inevitably wonder why at some point. Every week I see a 15 stone juggernaut super athlete momentarily dabble in the sport of the High Jump, only to then roll around the floor an endless amount and suddenly recover as though Jesus himself had graced us with his presence when the opponent is booked or play is continued. Pathetic. I love the old footage of players who would literally break bones and continue if it meant helping the team. Now we see body builders being shot by them ever present snipers in the stands. They then get their £90,000 a week for 90 minutes work. So frustrating.

This week Stephen Ireland (a once promising, now mediocre footballer) has been in the papers saying how shit life would be if he wasn't a footballer and how he'd never return to his native Ireland as it's a 'mess', as is the city of Birmingham where his former club was based. Way to thank the fans Stephen. This is what the press call a modern footballer- only interested in picking up their wage, having orgies and seemingly bragging and rubbing our noses in it.

You may, quite rightly, be wondering right now why I even bother going to watch this when it annoys me so much. Ironic even. But I think it's the same with everyone- One; I think we live in hope that one day football will go back to it's roots. When it wasn't a business but a sport (unlikely). Two; it's addictive and our loyalties were born before this age of pre-madonnas and we stubbornly go about our ritual every week as a stand against this growing trend of sour attitudes and values. At least that's what I think... maybe. Truth is, I'm not sure why but something needs to change fast or, as dropping crowd attendances prove, football will implode.

Rant over.

Crumbs In The Butter #2 - If I have to Shimmy around another dog...

Another post, another gripe that includes trains and buses. And dogs. And the brain dead owners. Admittedly, this doesn't happen all that frequently, but when it does it makes up for all the days you didn't have to sit through it. You know the type; you're on the bus and it's packed to the rafters. It's hot, sweaty and the windows are dripping with vapour from the endless treadmill of drunks, obese gym goers and teenagers that only inhale and break the barrage of noise and meaningless chatter every 15 minutes. That's bad enough. God, imagine how much worse this situation would be if a never ending panting dog, whose breath reaks of dry biscuits, was here.

But wait, here's a delightful young chap dressed in a black tracksuit with 'North Face' plastered all over it getting on the bus. Hang on, what the fuck is that thundering up the aisle towards me? Oh, a dog, probably some form of banned pit bull. Is the driver going to tell him to beat it? More chance of David Cameron winning me over. Okay, so it's not the dogs fault he's on a cramped bus, but what if there was another dog already on it and all hell broke loose? I've always believed only guide dogs should be allowed on buses but everyone has rights these days. Anyhow, back to the scene. Thirty seconds ago I was blissfully blanking out the world and only worrying about avoiding the obviously drugged up (probable) criminal's on going glare from the other end of the bus. Now I have a slobbering dog sniffing every inch of my leg whilst the owner takes no notice and sits down. The dog eventually moves on until it lies down in the centre of the aisle. Now people have to shimmy and dodge this dog whilst the blacked out delightful young chap merely chats on his phone about how crap the latest job finding course he went on was. Finally, he simply whistles as the dog shoots past the bewildered witnesses and darts of the bus. Thank God. Although, I'd probably take the dog over the blacked out chap- but that's for another day.

I love dogs, but these owners that let them own the bus and put everyone on edge, are complete tools. Not even a lead for f sake. Again, all ask for is a bit of respect.

Rant over.

Crumbs In The Butter #1 - Boombox Blues

After a long day in school/ work etc., the train/ bus ride should be an enjoyable one- one where you can finally relax some and clear your head whilst looking at the lack of scenery. And it is- until the Ugg wearing/ Mohawk sporting/ scruffy school kid (take your pick) strides on and sits down. You watch with baited breath as they reach into their pockets (please God let them be checking the time, their make-up, anything but that!) and then you see it. Like an Ace being pulled out the hand of your opponent as you gloat about your impending victory, the rectangular devil reflects your despairing reflection in its inviting chrome body paint. As you hope the thing has suddenly died or forgot how to work the first beat ripples through the carriage. Game over. This dreaded object is, of course, the iPod.

Before I continue, I'd like to say something- I have an iPod. Ironic. But before you dismiss this rant, let me continue. iPods are wonderful, brilliant, revolutionary inventions and I cherish mine like a child. However... there are two types of iPod owners- the respectable type, which I like to class myself as; and the annoying, loud mouthed and seemingly deaf type- which public transport is crawling with. Many a time I have slipped my iPod on and listened to great artists such as Bryan Adams, Queen, Foreigner, Whitesnake, The Beatles and The Eagles- with my headphones on and the volume respectable, i.e. enough for myself to enjoy a decent sound yet not loud enough for anyone else to hear it. It's a personal thing music and I like to keep it that way.

So why, may I ask you, my Ugg wearing/ Mohawk sporting/ scruffy school kid friend can I hear yours when you're sitting at the front of the bus? Why have earphones when all they do is make the songs sound like a muffled boombox because the volume is so high? If you're going to play that shit that loud, take the earphones out- at least then your utterly depressing tunes will be in clarity and I may stay sane for that fraction of a second longer. If it were The Beatles or Michael Jackson or another acclaimed artist cutting through my soul then I may loosen up, but it never is. It's always some rapper with a name like Professor Bizzle or the latest suped-up club anthem sung by Alvin and the Chipmunks or worse still Slipknot. Not only does it annoy me, and probably everyone else, it's disrespectful. All I ask is keep your tunes to yourself before I go grey please.

Rant over.

Crumbs In The Butter #0 - An Intro

This will be my second feature, though won't have a set fixture throughout the week. Basically, if something's really irritated me I'll spill my feelings here. Readers of Day Dreams and a Pencil will have probably already experienced this as  I often have a good rant over there. Scallies, society and politics usually get me going, as if they deliberately do things just to turn my hair that bit greyer each week. Only the most infuriating things will appear under this heading so you can expect to see them four words often! Hopefully you will agree or disagree with my stance and, as always, I welcome your comments!

Issue 1 will arrive shortly, and I have a bus ride tomorrow- if the first issue isn't out by then it almost certainly will be once I get home (my followers know how much I hate buses!)